Monday, October 5, 2015

Jealousy Essay (4/15)

I am not poly.

This may seem odd, since I am in a relationship with two people, but I firmly believe it is true.

I am monogamous, I just happen to be in a triad.

It is a closed triad, which helps. I certainly couldn't handle an open relationship. I even have struggles dealing with play outside of my relationship, including feeling guilty when I play with others.

I am very prone to jealousy.

This is hard to admit and harder to deal with. I love both of my partners dearly. I want them to be happy. Logically, I want them to be happy with each other, because wouldn't that make them the most happy?

Emotionally, it is a different story.

I have "jealousy moments" everywhere. If they don't exist, I conveniently make them up. Oh, is that rope out of place? Did I wake up and hear them having sex? Please don't let me walk in on them as I get home from work...

Why should I react negatively to something that makes the people I care about happy?

Almost everywhere I look, people say that jealousy stems from insecurity. Personally I do not understand that or identify with it. I feel incredibly secure. I am not going anywhere. They are never going to get tired of me. They love me very very much. These are firm beliefs I hold true. I am lucky, because these "securities" do not waver or falter, ever.

So what is the fear? I will admit that I have a "thing" with feeling special, unique, and important. Is the fear about losing that? Maybe. A lot of jealousy moments have stemmed from that thought process. "But I thought xyz was unique to our relationship." "We just went to Friendly's, why did you go on your date there?" "But you and I *just* did a rope scene..."

The funny thing is that it is both a blessing and a curse to love a couple. On the one hand, they are both there for you if you need support. On the other, jealousy is almost always hitting from both directions.

They did needles = "why did he want to put needles in her instead of me?" and "why did she want his needles instead of mine?"

These are not thought processes I am proud of. They are also not logical. But they do hurt, even as I work through them and process them every single time.

Most embarrassingly, and this is a big one that may explain a few things: I stopped writing a lot because I wanted to keep my fantasies, stories, and experiences all to myself. In my head, if cc read my stories, she would either be jealous herself, or worse, she would find it hot and then she and DaSade would go off and play based on my fantasies.

Isn't that kind of horrible?

I don't know the purpose of this writing. Maybe admitting and putting it on paper will help in some way. Maybe I see this as confessional. The public exposure can allow me to atone.

Mostly I think the world should know that yes, we have an amazing, beautiful, healthy, and communicative relationship... but we have our problems. We do not belong on a pedestal. It terrifies me to think people might see us like that.

We are very happy. We are always growing. But we are not perfect.

(I would love to hear from other mono- or -ish people in nonmono relationships, or even how others deal with jealousy in any sense of the concept.)

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